God never gave up on me either. I think every Sunday, the message was written just for me. God was desperately trying to get my attention. He knew that I was not following Him and that I was falling apart at the seams. He knew what was wrong and wanted to help me and heal me. I steadily ignored Him though. I heard Him calling but I wasn't ready to face the music. I knew that if I actually listened to God, that I would have to do something with what He told me.
A couple of weeks ago, I met up with Betty at J. Christopher's to talk about what was going on in my life. We have been going through a book together called "You're Already Amazing" by Holley Gerth and we were going to be looking through Chapter 3 which is about the lies we believe about ourselves that keep us trapped in sin and pain. The very first lie that we talked about hit me like a 50 lb bag of potatoes. It was the lie that says, "I have to be perfect." Dang it. I thought I had gotten rid of that, moved past it years ago. Yet it here it was again raising its ugly head. I have always been a perfectionist and have seen how it has hurt my relationships in the past. Betty and I began to talk about the way Satan has used this lie over and over again in my life to drive a wedge between me and God. This most recent time, Satan used this to make me feel like I was all alone, even when I was around lots of my friends. I was the Women's Director for Navs. I discipled girls. I led bible study. There was no way that I could be having a crisis of faith. I was supposed to be perfect and because I was supposed to have it all together, I couldn't tell anyone how much pain I was in. I couldn't let anyone know how much I was struggling. But once I named the lie I had been believing, I was able to first share with Betty and then really begin to work out with God what was going on.
In my bible study, we are studying James using Beth Moore's study. During last week's study, we were reading in James 3:1 and Beth spent a whole day talking about what biblical teachers look like. Something that she mentioned was that teachers had to be more self-disciplined than other believers in making sure to get in the Word and to lead out of an overflow of God in their life, otherwise they would get exhausted. I had heard this plenty of times but it wasn't until she said, "God will never ask you to sacrifice intimacy with Him on the altar of ministry" that I realized what had happened in my life. As much as I knew this was important, preparing for 1-1's, bible study and other "ministry" things had replaced my personal time with God. I sacrificed meeting with God intimately for doing things that I thought He wanted me to do. And don't get me wrong, all these things are good and are examples of spiritual fruit in my life, but they had started to become something that was hindering my walk. It was then that I began to realize that what was making me so apathetic was the fact that I was just plain exhausted. I had not been going to the Fountain of Life and therefore had reached the bottom of my barrel.
All my life, my relationship with God has been spurred by the other relationships in my life. When I was in 10th grade, it was my Dad that challenged me to grow. When I came to college, it was Erin, my bible study and other Navigators. When I was a infant in my faith, I was spoon-fed Jesus. That was what I needed to grow. But that is not satisfying anymore. I can't rely on other people to give me Jesus. I have to go to the source.
"Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. " 1 Corinthians 3:1-2
This verse described where I used to be. But I have reached a point in my life where milk is not satisfying. I have to grow up and go after Jesus myself. Betty and I were discussing this as we sat in J. Christophers and she said to me, "Lauren, you are mature enough in your faith that you have to make these decisions, and make the right ones, on your own. I will not spoon feed you Jesus. If you want Jesus, you need to make the choice to go after Him." Boom. The past couple of weeks, I have been meditating on what she said to me and what my answer to her challenge would be. Would I choose to go after Jesus with everything I had or would I let it fade? Because God demands it all. He won't settle for being second. He wants everything. So my prayer recently has been Ezekiel 36:26-27
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws"
It is a process, but I'm excited to see where God takes me. I know that Jesus is what I want. The past couple of months where I had second-hand Jesus was miserable. I can't even imagine not having Jesus at all. I am starting a journey to learn to rest in the Lord; to make my relationship with God my number one priority. To rediscover what it is like to fall in love with Jesus again. It is gonna be a great time of seeing God's character.
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