Rise to the Surface

Over the course of about a week and a half, the Lord has been doing a crazy work in my life. Isn't it funny how when you pray for God to move, He actually does? In my bible study, we are reading Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. We were chatting two weeks ago about how you cannot truly understand God's grace until you understand God's forgiveness because they go hand in hand. Jerry Bridges talks about the act of forgiveness and how it is a choice not a feeling necessarily. He goes on to say that as people forgiven of so much by God, how can we not forgive other people?

Well at this point, I am feeling a little convicted. And when I say a little, what I am really saying is that I was convicted a lot. An old friend of mine hurt me extremely badly in my freshmen year of college that I had still not forgiven. In fact, I wasn't even close. I had closed up to nurse my wound and when I did that, I not only fed my sinful, fleshy desires but I let bitterness take root. I mean, why should I forgive her when she hurt me so badly? It wasn't fair. Didn't God see how hurt I was because of this? But the Lord had other plans for me. 

The next day I went to Octane with a woman named Betty. She is in her 70's and a very wise woman who I like to meet with and just soak up her wisdom. I brought up the subject of forgiveness and how I was struggling. I told her my story with my friend and she listened so patiently. At the end of the story, I told her that I knew that I was struggling with bitterness. She said with complete truth, "I think that is apparent." Whew. Such honesty right? Well she then proceeded to tell me that she had listened to me talk about me, my hurts, my wounds, and how it all affect me. I had never once mentioned what was going on in my friends life that might have caused her to behave this way. My friend is a non-believer and I didn't even care that because I wasn't talking to her, I was cutting off one of her potentially only ways to see Christ. Goodness I was convicted. I had never really heard about how selfish my desire to not forgive was. The point of not forgiving her was not because I was mad, but because I didn't want anyone to forget how much I had been hurt. Betty shared this verse with me:

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. - Hebrews 12:15

It was amazing that even though I know it creates a wall between us and God, I let a bitter root grow and become this stronghold that Satan was taking full advantage of. 

I met with Erin that next week and asked her about forgiveness as well. I know, you are thinking that I have already heard it from two good sources but that is the trick about things that I don't want to hear, I have to listen multiple times. So Erin and I talked about the reason that this particular incident caused so much bitterness is because I never dealt with the sin in my life that came to the surface as a result of this conflict. My identity had been so wrapped up in what my friend said and thought about me that when she left, I was broken. I was also ashamed though because I knew as a Christian my identity should be in God not another person. So when this sin came to the surface, I buried under the guise of hurt and blame on my friend. I was so prideful that I was unwilling to forgive. Talk about a plank being in my eye! 

I have realized that since then, any conflict I have had, I dealt with the sin. This is why there are no other bitter roots in my life, that I'm aware of. It was humbling to realize that I had chosen to ignore apparent sin and blame someone else. I was so unwilling to take responsibility. After all, wasn't it all her fault? I had such a wrong mind set about it. I was then reading Job on Saturday when the Lord brought it to my attention again because He wasn't quite done with me yet. I was preparing for Nav Night and I was reading the commentary about this passage: 

 After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and theLord accepted Job’s prayer.   - Job 42:7-9

The commentary was talking about Job's forgiveness to his three friends. They had been accusing him of sin that was not there and had not been encouraging at all. Yet, Job still forgave and prayed to God on their behalf! Man I was still struggling to forgive my friend. I knew what I was supposed to do but wasn't it suppose to be a long process? Should I confront her first and talk it all out?

Sunday morning, oh boy, it was the clincher. The message at Grace Midtown that morning was about Proverbs 27:5 which says,

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 

 The speaker talked about how rebuke and correction belongs in the family of believers. We, as Christians, can't hold a non-believer (which my friend is) to a standard that they don't believe in. Man that hit home. What I had really been wanting to do was go yell and scream and feed my sinful desires. I was angry, embarrassed by my sin, and ashamed of having this bitter root. It was her fault, or so I thought. I knew that in all conflict, we all play and equal role. No one is without blame but I sure thought I was. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I could just forgive. It would be as easy as that. God can do so much more than I sometimes give Him credit for. Just because the root had been in my life for 3 years, didn't mean that He couldn't uproot it in a day.

I was sitting a praying during the benediction and the Spirit was just washing over me. Hadn't I been forgiven of so much? What had this girl done to me that I had not done worse to God? I laid it down right there. I confessed to the Lord right then about the sin I had never admitted to. I forgave. I finally walked away from the chains that Jesus had unlocked so long ago. I had stayed in them for 3 years but I was finally walking free. What a burden it had been that was finally off my shoulders. I'm not mad at her now. I'm actually kind of grateful. Without this, I would never have known the full measure of my desire to be selfish and how to recognize the symptoms. I never would have journeyed this with the Lord. It is so amazing how God uses the worst things in our life to teach us the most important lessons.

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. - Matthew 5:23-24

An unforgiving attitude will create a barrier between you and God. We can either deal with the sin that comes up or shove it to the side under a lot of blame and letter a bitter root take hold. The choice is ours. I am so free, that I am amazed that I have stayed in the chains.