The Beginning of the End

Today is the beginning of the end. The end of a 3 month period where I have allowed my emotions and feelings speak louder and longer than the truth. For the past 3 months I have felt depressed, isolated and alone. I have allowed my emotions to flow through me and carry me wherever they may lead. This has often times been astray. My heart is fickle. I know this in my head, but never have I seen in laid out so plainly in my life before. Instead of desperation leading me towards a closer, more intimate relationship with the Lord, I fell away. Allowing my feelings to affect my relationship with God, with other people, and the ministry that God has called me towards.

When I was in Knoxville a couple of weeks ago for a wedding, I went to my favorite bookstore called McKays. There I purchased "Get Out Of That Pit" by Beth Moore. I knew then where I was, but I still didn't have the courage to start the long, upward journey. God has been speaking to me gently, and I'm excited to know that His faithfulness never ends. He never gives up on me, even when I have given up on myself. In the introduction to her book and devotional journal, she said something I completely related with and thought she had read my mind.

Life can be excruciating. Crushing, in fact. The sheer magnitude of our worries can press down on our heads until we unknowingly descend into a pit of despair one inch at a time. Something so horrible can happen that we conclude we'll never be okay again. We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under that dirt and out of His sight. But, if we're willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent. 

I'm really excited to claim the promises found in Psalm 40:1-3. My God delivers and rescues us out of a pit of darkness and brings us into the kingdom of the Son He loves.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry. 

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand. 

He put a new song in my mouth, 

a hymn of praise to our God. 

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord.  

Right Where I Am

Recently, I got the immense joy of connecting with the Navigators 20's Missions. I've been looking forward to this for months. I love meeting new people and it was the perfect place to do so. However, in the past few weeks, my life has felt turned upside down because of some stuff I have going on in my life. Things that once made sense, did so no longer. So I went into this gathering of believers with a heavy heart.

God has a funny way of knowing me better than I know myself. I have a tendency to run to other people before running to God with my problems. There is just something so comforting about hearing an audible voice and receiving a hug that I can feel from someone. And while these things are wonderful, they tend to get in the way of my relationship and intimacy with God. So this past week and a half, timing and geographical location has not allowed me to run to the people I most often do: Betty, Morgan, Erin ect... I think God did that on purpose.

So last night while we were gathered in John and Beth's living room, the phrase "Right Where You Are At" kept being repeated both in the context of our geographical location and our spiritual or emotional place. I could feel this tugging on my heart. I didn't want it to. I wanted to ignore the still small voice. I managed to ignore God (how, I don't know) until I was in my car driving home. Then it felt like God was shouting at me even over the loudness of my radio. So I turned it off and prepared myself for an interesting conversation with the Lord.

I've been angry all week. Not at any one person but at life and circumstances in general. So I decided that if God wanted to talk, then fine. We were gonna talk but I was gonna go first. I had a bone to pick. I asked God what he had to say about my anger. I yelled and ranted and raved and cried all the way home. If someone had looked into my truck at the time, they probably would have thought I was crazy. But if God wanted to meet me where I was, then it was time to be honest.

I took every bit of emotion I had and threw it at him like he was my punching bag. And wanna know an interesting thing, it was like he just stood there and took it. Like he knew I needed to get it all out. He didn't yell back or tell me how selfish I was being. He just let me be angry and cry. He let me feel all the emotional spectrum that I had going on. And then he just started to help me pick up the broken pieces of my heart and life. God listened to what I had to say and was feeling even if it was totally wrong. It felt true to me.

And I'm excited to say that I feel so much better and am looking forward to hearing his part of the conversation because that is now it works. Someone talks and someone listens, then the roles reverse. Its my turn to listen now. I'm sure he has plenty to tell me.

Choices

     Recently I have been in a very apathetic state. If someone were to have actually asked me how I was doing and waited to hear my real response, I probably would have said I have been depressed. This is not normal for me but I knew all the signs. I was trained as a PL to look for these signs in freshmen and I began to notice them in myself. For someone so extraverted, I didn't want to be around people. I didn't care about school or the things that were usually important to me. I didn't even really spend that much time with God. I was officially in a funk and was like that for probably the past 3 months. Slowly but surely I began to fight against these feelings. I knew that something was wrong but I couldn't figure it out. Luckily for me Betty, the woman who disciples me, was willing to ask me the hard questions and wait patiently for me to answer. She knew when I was hiding the truth but yet she waited for me to be ready to tell her how I was really doing. She never gave up. 

     God never gave up on me either. I think every Sunday, the message was written just for me. God was desperately trying to get my attention. He knew that I was not following Him and that I was falling apart at the seams. He knew what was wrong and wanted to help me and heal me. I steadily ignored Him though. I heard Him calling but I wasn't ready to face the music. I knew that if I actually listened to God, that I would have to do something with what He told me. 

     A couple of weeks ago, I met up with Betty at J. Christopher's to talk about what was going on in my life. We have been going through a book together called "You're Already Amazing" by Holley Gerth and we were going to be looking through Chapter 3 which is about the lies we believe about ourselves that keep us trapped in sin and pain. The very first lie that we talked about hit me like a 50 lb bag of potatoes. It was the lie that says, "I have to be perfect." Dang it. I thought I had gotten rid of that, moved past it years ago. Yet it here it was again raising its ugly head. I have always been a perfectionist and have seen how it has hurt my relationships in the past. Betty and I began to talk about the way Satan has used this lie over and over again in my life to drive a wedge between me and God. This most recent time, Satan used this to make me feel like I was all alone, even when I was around lots of my friends. I was the Women's Director for Navs. I discipled girls. I led bible study. There was no way that I could be having a crisis of faith. I was supposed to be perfect and because I was supposed to have it all together, I couldn't tell anyone how much pain I was in. I couldn't let anyone know how much I was struggling. But once I named the lie I had been believing, I was able to first share with Betty and then really begin to work out with God what was going on. 

     In my bible study, we are studying James using Beth Moore's study. During last week's study, we were reading in James 3:1 and Beth spent a whole day talking about what biblical teachers look like. Something that she mentioned was that teachers had to be more self-disciplined than other believers in making sure to get in the Word and to lead out of an overflow of God in their life, otherwise they would get exhausted. I had heard this plenty of times but it wasn't until she said, "God will never ask you to sacrifice intimacy with Him on the altar of ministry" that I realized what had happened in my life. As much as I knew this was important, preparing for 1-1's, bible study and other "ministry" things had replaced my personal time with God. I sacrificed meeting with God intimately for doing things that I thought He wanted me to do. And don't get me wrong, all these things are good and are examples of spiritual fruit in my life, but they had started to become something that was hindering my walk. It was then that I began to realize that what was making me so apathetic was the fact that I was just plain exhausted. I had not been going to the Fountain of Life and therefore had reached the bottom of my barrel.  

     All my life, my relationship with God has been spurred by the other relationships in my life. When I was in  10th grade, it was my Dad that challenged me to grow. When  I came to college, it was Erin, my bible study and other Navigators. When I was a infant in my faith, I was spoon-fed Jesus. That was what I needed to grow. But that is not satisfying anymore. I can't rely on other people to give me Jesus. I have to go to the source. 

"Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. "    1 Corinthians 3:1-2

   
 This verse described where I used to be. But I have reached a point in my life where milk is not satisfying. I have to grow up and go after Jesus myself. Betty and I were discussing this as we sat in J. Christophers and she said to me, "Lauren, you are mature enough in your faith that you have to make these decisions, and make the right ones, on your own. I will not spoon feed you Jesus. If you want Jesus, you need to make the choice to go after Him." Boom. The past couple of weeks, I have been meditating on what she said to me and what my answer to her challenge would be. Would I choose to go after Jesus with everything I had or would I let it fade? Because God demands it all. He won't settle for being second. He wants everything. So my prayer recently has been Ezekiel 36:26-27

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws"

     It is a process, but I'm excited to see where God takes me. I know that Jesus is what I want. The past couple of months where I had second-hand Jesus was miserable. I can't even imagine not having Jesus at all. I am starting a journey to learn to rest in the Lord; to make my relationship with God my number one priority. To rediscover what it is like to fall in love with Jesus again. It is gonna be a great time of seeing God's character. 

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfullness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.
-Hosea 2:19-20

Freedom: No Strings Attached

When we hear the word free, we are immediately drawn in and interested. Marketers have excelled in drawing the consumer in with the word “free” and then snagging them in lots of fine print.

This person was tricked because he didn't see the fine print. It has given us this cautious mindset now. It is hard to think about something being free with absolutely no strings attached to it. It has hindered us from understanding the freedom that God offers us and also the fact that his forgiveness and grace come freely with no strings attached because Jesus paid the penalty for our sin.

Slavery can be a sad, desolate, lonely place. When you are enslaved to you sin, it holds a mastery over you. It crushes your hope. So I ask you, Are you free? Are you enslaved? Do you know that it is available? My goal is that after searching the Scriptures, you will be able to understand the freedom that God offers. That you can begin to walk with Jesus on this journey. It is something that God is still teaching me and I haven’t learned completely but I hope to give you something to think about.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.” - Leviticus 26:13

This is going to be our main verse for tonight and we will come back to it throughout it. God took the Israelites out of slavery in the same way that He desires to lead you out of slavery. But before freedom can be obtained, there are a couple of things that have to happen first. It is a process.

The first step is awareness. You must be aware of what is enslaving you before you recognize the need to be freed from it.

“Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law, rather,

through the law we become conscious of sin.” - Romans 3:20

“What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known

what sin was except through the law.” - Romans 7:7

Through the Word of God which is the law, we can recognize our sin. If you are not in the Word daily, how can you expect 2 Timothy 3:16 to be true? It cannot teach, correct, rebuke and train you in righteousness if you are not reading the Word. If you are reading this and say to yourself, “ I am not really sure where my sin is” then boy do I have a challenge for you. Two summers ago at STP, my team leader challenged me to pray for God to reveal my sin to me. Be careful what you pray for. It was probably one of the worst weeks of my life. I was never more aware of my own sin and brokenness than at that point. Another question I have for you is, do you confess specifically for sin or generically for your sin. Confessing specifically can definitely lead to awareness.

Awareness will naturally lead into brokenness. You cannot be aware of your sin without feeling sorrowful over it.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.” - 2 Corinthians 7:10-11

If after realizing your sin, this should be your response. An alarm over how you have grieved the Spirit of God and a longing to be restored to God. In the book The Pursuit of Holiness, Jerry Bridges says,

 “Are we willing to call sin “sin” not because it is big or little, but because God’s law forbids it? We cannot categorize sin if we are to live a life of holiness.”

 So in our awareness of our sin and brokenness over it, we cannot allow our sinful nature to justify it. We must call it like we see it, unlike the replacement NFL refs.

David gives us an example of what this looks like is Psalm 51.

“For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me.” - Psalm 51:3

David shows awareness of his sin and in verse 17, he tells us our next response.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not

despise” - Psalm 51:17

If you really are sorrowful and broken over your sin, the next step is repentance. True repentance will only happen though if you really want to be changed. It must come from the heart.

"If you will return, O Israel, return to me," declares the Lord. "If you put your detestable idols out of my sight and no longer go astray, and if in a truthful, just and righteous way you swear, 'As surely as the Lord lives,' then the nations will be blessed by him and in him they will glory." This is what the Lord says to the men of Judah and to Jerusalem: "Break up your unplowed ground and do not sow among thorns. Circumcise yourselves to the Lord, circumcise your hearts, you men of Judah and people of Jerusalem, or my wrath will break out and burn like fire because of the evil you have done - burn with no one to quench it. - Jeremiah 4:1-4 

The Lord is telling Israel that He wants them to return but he wants them fully. He says to break up our unplowed ground. We must become BROKEN first! He says to circumcise our hearts to him. He doesn't say make a sacrifice; he doesn't say to do certain things. Dave Rhodes spoke on this passage 2 weeks ago at Grace Midtown and he said,

“God wants your passion not your performance, your core not your customs.”

I couldn’t say it better. True repentance is a 180 degree switch in the lifestyle and attitude
and beliefs that originally led to that sin. He is asking for much more than an act. He is asking for ALL of you! He wants you just as you are, the broken and messed up people that we are. God wants us anyways.

And so through repentance and faith that the Lord will forgive you, come the freedom that is offered. So what is freedom? Freedom is when you are no longer subject to control or domination of another, when you are relieved from something unpleasant or burdensome. It allows you to have a scope that is unrestricted by qualification. So you may have a couple of questions. Who sets us free? How can we be set free? Who gets to be free? What is my role or response in the process? What are indicators that I am living in freedom? We are going to talk about all of those.

Who sets us free? Jesus Christ does. When Jesus died for us on the cross, he died so that we could live in complete freedom. He didn't die partially so that we could live in partial freedom. He died fully and rose fully. He paid the price because we would never be able to.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” - Galatians 5:1

How can we be set free? Dying to ourselves and putting off our old self. Scripture says that we are new creations and as new people, we have a new identity. We are not slaves any longer to the sin in our lives.

 “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body

of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because

anyone who has died has been freed from sin.” - Romans 6:6-7

Who gets to be free? All people of all races, nationalities and languages. Jesus Christ did not die for the select. For those who were "good" enough. If you are thinking, "But you don't know my sin. You don't know what I have done." then you are right. I don't know all of your sin, but God does. HE LOVES YOU ANYWAYS. God knows all of the sin you ever have committed and ever will commit. He crucified it on the cross and we are to leave it on Calvary.

“For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit.” - 1 Peter 3:18

What is my role or response in the process? One response we see in scripture is to serve God. This is not necessarily the only response but I definitely believe it should be one of them. He freed us not so we would serve ourselves but so that we could serve the Lord our God out of the overflowing gratitude. If you have ever asked yourself what your purpose was then look no further.

“To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priest TO SERVE his God and Father – to him be the glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.” - Revelation 1:5b-6

What are indicators that I am living in the freedom God offers?

 “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." - Genesis 2:25

Shame is not in the original design. Only after Adam and Eve sinned, did they need to cover themselves. Confidence is a sign of freedom because shame is a result of slavery to sin not freedom. Going back to the Leviticus 26:13, God brought the Israelites out of Egypt so they could walk with their heads held high! I want to clarify between guilt/shame and conviction. Godly conviction from the Spirit leads to repentance. Once you have repented and asked for forgiveness, it is over. It is finished. God has removed your sins from you as far as the east is from the west. Leave them there! You don’t need to ask for forgiveness for the same act over and over. By feeling guilty over your sin, you are telling God that you don't believe He forgave you the first time. Do you trust that God really forgives?

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. -Psalm 32:5

David asked for forgivenss for the guilt over his sin. He had sinned in not trusting in God's promises and doubting that God was who He proclaimed.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there

is freedom.” - 2 Corinthians 3:17

Another indicator is if the Spirit is moving in your life. When you are free, the Spirit and the room to move and work in and through you. Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in you? If you don't see this, then I ask are you truly free? Are you living in freedom?

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed

me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to

proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” - Isaiah 61:1

Free people free other people. There is no greater sign than this. If you have experienced the glory and awesome power of biblical freedom, then how could you do anything but free other people? Are you leading people out of slavery and into freedom?

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom

to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love.” - Galatians 5:13

So in bringing this all back to Leviticus 26:13 which says,

 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you

out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.”

Where is your Egypt? or Assyria? or Palestine? What has enslaved you?

When I first read this verse, I was so encouraged because after becoming free, it is not like the Israelites never stepped foot back into Egypt. They traded with Egypt and did commerce, but just because they entered that land, it did not automatically enslave them once more. For some people, their bedroom, where their laptop awaits, is Egypt. A place that you don’t want to go because you are afraid to become enslaved once more in sin. You're scared that because you have fallen into slavery there before, that you will do so once again. But the Lord has victory in those places. Those areas of sin is not greater than our God. Our God is victorious in all areas! For others it is the mall, where jealousy and envy run through you over things you can’t have. Maybe for others it is the party, where you don’t know how to control your drinking or flirting. I don’t know what your Egypt is but I do know where my own are. I also know that God offers complete freedom with no strings attached. The Israelites left Egypt but after a time of separation, it did not stop them from going back into that place of slavery to free others who are trapped there. Who knows better what it is like in that place than a former slave?

Do you believe that God offers you COMPLETE freedom? That your sins are forgiven not because of
anything you have done but because of everything that Jesus did at the cross?

I am the Lord your God, who brought [Lauren] out of [a place of slavery and sin] so that [she] would no longer be [a slave] to the [sin]; I broke the bars of [her] yoke and enabled [her] to walk with [her head] held high.

Broken Cistern

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 

"God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble."

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:5-7

This is my first post from STP 2012 and I'm excited to share with you what I am learning. Earlier this week, the Lord really broke me. I was so overwhelmed and stressed by everything that I felt was on my plate. I hadn't finished as much of bible study as I was supposed to. We are going through all of Romans inductively this summer which is about 3 chapters a week. I was so excited about it but overwhelmed as well. Then I kept hearing over and over again about everything I should do with my team or this week or today and I just broke down. I thought, "You haven't seen my schedule. You don't know what my life is like." I don't cry that often but in Bible Study that afternoon, I just shared and let the tears flow. I wasn't the only team leader who was feeling the pressure. 

One of the most constant temptations that Satan uses against me is my desire to be perfect. I want to be a perfect friend, a perfect student, a perfect daughter, a perfect team leader, a perfect bible study leader, a perfect discipler. Well as we all know, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," [Romans 3:23]. I hate the idea of falling short. It makes me upset when I can't do something that I think should be in my grasp. A lot of it also stems from a lot of pride that is in my life and a desire for other's opinions to be good of me. After bible study, I just went back to my room, called my Dad and then cried it all out to my heavenly Father. How was I supposed to do it all? I couldn't do it anymore. I was so broken by my own inability to do what He has called me to do this summer. Why wasn't it working? 

I love how God speaks to us. I heard Him gently say, "Lauren that is the point. You can't do it all on your own. You NEED Me." Wow. I heard that and felt so guilty. I had a pretty rough past year with school. I didn't do well academically and because of that, I no longer work for housing. I tried to do it all. I tried to be the perfect student, PL, and Navigator. Because of that I fell short is all of those areas. Sure I was an ok student, and ok PL, and an ok Navigator but it was all so hard for me. Leading bible study didn't come as easily. Passing tests was harder than ever before. I struggled to connect with the girls on my floor. I kept telling God that I was depending on Him but I wasn't. I was lying not only to myself but also to God and everyone around me, who may have though I had it all together. It took coming to STP as a Team Leader in order for me to finally hit bottom so that He could fill me up again with His living water. 

My people have committed two sins: 

They have forsaken me,

the spring of living water, 

and have dug their own cisterns,

broken cisterns that cannot hold water. 

[Jeremiah 2:13]

For the past year, I have been trying to keep a broken cistern full by my own strength. It finally went empty. But the greatest part is, that God never gives up on me. In the same way that God never gave up on Israel, He will never leave me nor forsake. He always finds a way to bring me back to Him. To humble me in my pride and force me to recognize my need for Him. I have to be dependent on the Lord. Just as a sheep is completely dependent on the shepherd, so am I to be completely dependent on the Shepherd. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me 

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever. 

Psalm 23 is the passage for all the Team Leaders this summer. I never realized how much I would need this psalm. My prayer for this summer is that this would be true. I hope that I will follow and submit to the Lord's will for my life. I want my cup to be overflowing from his abundance! He says that He will restore my soul. I can't wait for that process to begin!

Moving On

 Let me tell you about one of the most important people in my life: Erin Randalow. When I first met Erin, I was so intimidated because she seemed (and was) such a godly woman and exactly what I wanted to be. I had been praying throughout the summer before attending Georgia Tech that God would have someone wise, and willing to teach, pursue me and help me in my walk with God. Little did I know that Erin had already been praying for me as well. God does funny things like that. When I started getting involved with the Navigators, Erin made me feel so special. She sought me out and wanted to know more about me. She asked me questions about my life, family and who I was. I immediately felt so comfortable with her because she was vulnerable first. She opened her heart and her life to me and never once made me feel like an outsider. I felt like the "cool" freshman because this beautiful woman of God  saw something in me and wanted to be friends with me. Without Erin, I don't know what my time here at Ga Tech would be like.

In September Erin asked me if I wanted to start meeting intentionally to read the Bible and to talk about life, essentially to be discipled by her. I WAS SO EXCITED!! I remember it all to clearly; we were sitting outside of Tin Drum having dinner and I felt as if she was asking me on a date or something. It was so funny but it was essentially the same. She wanted to walk along side of me. I was excited because Erin was exactly what I pictured growing into. In the short months that I had known her, I had already seen the way God was working in her life and all these characteristics of her faith and walk, that I wanted to mimic.

Erin and I began to meet on a weekly basis and she was the tool that God used to change my life forever. When I was a freshman, I had no idea how to study the bible on my own, have a quiet time, how to pray, how to share the gospel, or the importance of memorizing scripture. The best part was she wanted to know what I wanted to learn. She heard my needs and desires and helped me accomplish my goals. Erin has always been my support and greatest encourager. She has been in my corner from day 1 and I never doubted that. She has seen me through some of the hardest times in my life and some of the greatest. She has laughed with me when I did foolish things and cried with me when I was upset. Most of all, she has always listened to me. She has always given me the room and the grace to make mistakes. Erin has challenged me in ways that I never would have done on my own. I have always joked with her that all her wisdom was stored in her hair which is why her hair is so long but even when she cut it, it didn't matter; her wisdom has come from the Lord and no matter how long her hair was, God's wisdom is never ending.

 There are many things that Erin has taught me but I'm only going to talk about a few in this post.

1. Modesty I will never forget the 1-1 we had on this topic. It was probably one of the most emotional and heart wrenching meetings we have had. She shared with me the importance of it and the reasons behind it. Harkey (her boyfriend) had written to me a couple of the reasons and encouragement of how important it was. He shared with me some personal things with me that have helped me make decisions every time I go shopping. If I wouldn't want to wear it around my Dad or around Josh, then I wouldn't buy it. Erin instilled in me on that day a desire to protect my brothers in Christ. I wanted to help them in their walk with the Lord and not to be a hindrance to them. I wanted to protect them for their wives' sake just as I hope some woman out there is protecting my husband, whoever he may be.

2.  Prayer Erin loves to pray and because of this I have heard so much about the power of prayer. Erin has taught me how to pray and when to pray (which is always). I once told Erin that I didn't like to pray in front of people because I didn't "pray well enough" and that I wasn't "good enough." This was the first out of two times that Erin has ever raised her voice at me. She told me that those thoughts I was having were of Satan's doing. That God didn't want fancy words or eloquent praise but that He wanted me. He wanted me to talk to him, to tell him about my day and how I was feeling. So from then on, she would force me to pray out loud, in front of people until now I can say that I love to pray and no longer feel embarrassed as I once did.

3. Scripture Memory If there is one thing that doesn't come naturally, it is scripture memory. From that first semester, Erin started quizzing me and holding me accountable in this area. She challenged me and urged me on. It still doesn't come natural to me but I have seen the fruits of it in ways that I would never have thought.

4. Biblical Leadership From these 3 years with Erin, I have been watching everything she did. I watched how she dealt with conflict, how she encouraged people and most importantly how she lead people. Erin modeled discipleship and taught me how to lead other girls. She gave me the opportunity to co-lead with her in bible study and taught me how to lead a small group. When I struggled with discipleship, she encouraged me and gave me wisdom to keep going. She showed me the passion she had for freshmen girls and to grow the women's ministry of Navigators. Because of this, I have been excited about similar things. I will be leading the women's ministry next year but the thing that I am most excited about is to be an example of biblical submission. I want to be an example of what it looks like for a woman in leadership to submit to Rob, who is President of Navs. I want to show the women that I am leading, that as women, we are called to submission. This doesn't mean that we don't lead, but we lead differently and in the way God has called us. I wouldn't be able to do this, if Erin had not been modeling this for me for many years.

Erin has been my role model in so many ways. She has allowed me to ask her nosy questions about her relationship with Josh, family, and friends. She never tried to keep secrets from me but shared openly and admitted her mistakes. To me, Erin Randalow is a super hero. God has worked powerfully in her and my life would not be where it is today, if she had not followed in faith and poured into me. I'm sure that I was frustrating at times but she never gave up on me.

Last night, Erin gave her senior talk at Nav Nite. We prayed for her to send her out into the world. As she continues into marriage with Josh and a chemical engineer with BASF, I know that she will be following the Lord. I will miss her like nothing else. If I am honest with myself, I am scared to know what I will do with out her because she has been so important to me. But God is faithful and has taught me so much that I know that I will be able to stand because He is my strength (Isaiah 41:10) and I do not need to fear. It amazes me that there will be freshmen next year who don't know who she is but I hope that the legacy that she has left behind in me will continue to touch other people. If she has taught me nothing else, it is to be aware of who is watching and to be a light for Christ in everything I do. I know that Erin will never disappear from the Georgia Tech Navigators because of the lives she has touched her 4 years here. She not only taught, but taught others to teach. Erin has left behind a legacy of love, grace, discipleship and a passion for God.

A phrase that I have heard so many times is to have "An Attitude of Gratitude" and that is exactly how I feel. I am so grateful to have been allowed the honor of walking along side this wonderful woman. I am sad that she is leaving but I would never want to detract her from what God has planned. The Lord will be doing great things through this woman and I'm excited to hear about them.

Basically, if you don't know Erin then I am very sad for you and you should remedy that now!

Rise to the Surface

Over the course of about a week and a half, the Lord has been doing a crazy work in my life. Isn't it funny how when you pray for God to move, He actually does? In my bible study, we are reading Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. We were chatting two weeks ago about how you cannot truly understand God's grace until you understand God's forgiveness because they go hand in hand. Jerry Bridges talks about the act of forgiveness and how it is a choice not a feeling necessarily. He goes on to say that as people forgiven of so much by God, how can we not forgive other people?

Well at this point, I am feeling a little convicted. And when I say a little, what I am really saying is that I was convicted a lot. An old friend of mine hurt me extremely badly in my freshmen year of college that I had still not forgiven. In fact, I wasn't even close. I had closed up to nurse my wound and when I did that, I not only fed my sinful, fleshy desires but I let bitterness take root. I mean, why should I forgive her when she hurt me so badly? It wasn't fair. Didn't God see how hurt I was because of this? But the Lord had other plans for me. 

The next day I went to Octane with a woman named Betty. She is in her 70's and a very wise woman who I like to meet with and just soak up her wisdom. I brought up the subject of forgiveness and how I was struggling. I told her my story with my friend and she listened so patiently. At the end of the story, I told her that I knew that I was struggling with bitterness. She said with complete truth, "I think that is apparent." Whew. Such honesty right? Well she then proceeded to tell me that she had listened to me talk about me, my hurts, my wounds, and how it all affect me. I had never once mentioned what was going on in my friends life that might have caused her to behave this way. My friend is a non-believer and I didn't even care that because I wasn't talking to her, I was cutting off one of her potentially only ways to see Christ. Goodness I was convicted. I had never really heard about how selfish my desire to not forgive was. The point of not forgiving her was not because I was mad, but because I didn't want anyone to forget how much I had been hurt. Betty shared this verse with me:

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. - Hebrews 12:15

It was amazing that even though I know it creates a wall between us and God, I let a bitter root grow and become this stronghold that Satan was taking full advantage of. 

I met with Erin that next week and asked her about forgiveness as well. I know, you are thinking that I have already heard it from two good sources but that is the trick about things that I don't want to hear, I have to listen multiple times. So Erin and I talked about the reason that this particular incident caused so much bitterness is because I never dealt with the sin in my life that came to the surface as a result of this conflict. My identity had been so wrapped up in what my friend said and thought about me that when she left, I was broken. I was also ashamed though because I knew as a Christian my identity should be in God not another person. So when this sin came to the surface, I buried under the guise of hurt and blame on my friend. I was so prideful that I was unwilling to forgive. Talk about a plank being in my eye! 

I have realized that since then, any conflict I have had, I dealt with the sin. This is why there are no other bitter roots in my life, that I'm aware of. It was humbling to realize that I had chosen to ignore apparent sin and blame someone else. I was so unwilling to take responsibility. After all, wasn't it all her fault? I had such a wrong mind set about it. I was then reading Job on Saturday when the Lord brought it to my attention again because He wasn't quite done with me yet. I was preparing for Nav Night and I was reading the commentary about this passage: 

 After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and theLord accepted Job’s prayer.   - Job 42:7-9

The commentary was talking about Job's forgiveness to his three friends. They had been accusing him of sin that was not there and had not been encouraging at all. Yet, Job still forgave and prayed to God on their behalf! Man I was still struggling to forgive my friend. I knew what I was supposed to do but wasn't it suppose to be a long process? Should I confront her first and talk it all out?

Sunday morning, oh boy, it was the clincher. The message at Grace Midtown that morning was about Proverbs 27:5 which says,

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 

 The speaker talked about how rebuke and correction belongs in the family of believers. We, as Christians, can't hold a non-believer (which my friend is) to a standard that they don't believe in. Man that hit home. What I had really been wanting to do was go yell and scream and feed my sinful desires. I was angry, embarrassed by my sin, and ashamed of having this bitter root. It was her fault, or so I thought. I knew that in all conflict, we all play and equal role. No one is without blame but I sure thought I was. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I could just forgive. It would be as easy as that. God can do so much more than I sometimes give Him credit for. Just because the root had been in my life for 3 years, didn't mean that He couldn't uproot it in a day.

I was sitting a praying during the benediction and the Spirit was just washing over me. Hadn't I been forgiven of so much? What had this girl done to me that I had not done worse to God? I laid it down right there. I confessed to the Lord right then about the sin I had never admitted to. I forgave. I finally walked away from the chains that Jesus had unlocked so long ago. I had stayed in them for 3 years but I was finally walking free. What a burden it had been that was finally off my shoulders. I'm not mad at her now. I'm actually kind of grateful. Without this, I would never have known the full measure of my desire to be selfish and how to recognize the symptoms. I never would have journeyed this with the Lord. It is so amazing how God uses the worst things in our life to teach us the most important lessons.

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. - Matthew 5:23-24

An unforgiving attitude will create a barrier between you and God. We can either deal with the sin that comes up or shove it to the side under a lot of blame and letter a bitter root take hold. The choice is ours. I am so free, that I am amazed that I have stayed in the chains.